Fake Food? Pretty Much Rules.

I’m taking a little time out from perfume stuff to share a recipe today. When digging through the cookbooks to find some holiday baking ideas, I rediscovered this little gem. Its components are artificial, highly processed… and delicious. I’m the sort of dork who serves Cool Whip rather than real whipped cream, too. Fake food tastes yummy, and sometimes you just have to say screw the gourmandise palate. *shrug* Let he who is without sin cast the first skillet.

Saltine Toffee

  • 35 saltine crackers
  • 1 1/2 cup chocolate chips
  • 1 cup stick margarine (or butter)
  • 1 cup sugar
  • chopped nuts (optional, though hazelnuts are awfully tasty)

Line a cookie sheet with aluminum foil, shiny side down. Next place the crackers onto the covered sheet, laying them side by side, end to end. In a pan, bring the margarine/butter and sugar to a full rolling boil and stir constantly for 2 to 3 minutes, then remove from heat. Spoon and spread this mixture onto the crackers, and place the sheet in a pre-heated 400° oven for 6 minutes. Cool for 1 minute. Then sprinkle the chips across, and let that sit for 1 minute before spreading and smoothing the chips all over. (You will want to sprinkle the nuts on after this if desired.) Cool the whole thing in the fridge. When you’re ready to serve, break it up into bite sized bits!

Classy? Yeah, totally classy. Anyhow: Enjoy!

11 Responses to “Fake Food? Pretty Much Rules.”

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    Said this on December 14th, 2006 at 7:48pm:

    Hmm…sounds really good actually. Lab engineered processed food is great, granted, in moderation. Campbell’s cream of mushroom loaded with dried porcinis is also pretty “classy”. It’s “fake” it’s fun and it’s fast. ;)

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    Said this on December 15th, 2006 at 8:31am:

    Sounds delicious! Classy food is rarely delicious.

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    Said this on December 15th, 2006 at 9:35am:

    S, no you just can’t beat the canned “cream of” soups for ease! Heh! I’ve never tried adding dried porcinis to it… but suddenly I have flashbacks to a million green bean casseroles at church potluck dinners! It might be fun to try dressing up the cream of mushroom as a soup, thanks!

    Patty, well, classy food is delicious, too. I’d hate to give up my fresh produce, which makes cooking so fun and so vibrant tasting. But if I need a quick tasty fix, I like my classless midwestern style of cooking from boxes and cans, heh!

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    Said this on December 15th, 2006 at 9:44am:

    That is hilarious! And sort of gross. I love toffee, I’ll have to make it. I’ve always wanted to make the “mock apple pie” on the back of the Ritz box, too.

    My only real fake-food guilty pleasure is the boxed, dehydrated Betty Crocker Scalloped Potatoes (or the Au Gratin), both of which remind me of childhood. I’ve made them with real potatoes, and … it’s all wrong. Oh, and brownie mix.

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    The Scented Salamander

    Said this on December 15th, 2006 at 10:01am:

    Oh, I was expecting something much worse when you said “fake food”. Sounds pretty yummy to me.

    Same thing here. I have been browsing a number of delish sites specializing in gourmet food. Currently, I’m planning to replace the traditional French Yule Log with an Indian Pudding served w/ vanilla ice cream or whipped cream to get more of a Franco-American feel. What’s on the menu for you?

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    Said this on December 15th, 2006 at 10:25am:

    March, oh I forgot all about those boxed au gratin potatoes! Those were awesome when I was a kid… haven’t had them in forever. It’s weird, because the fake mashed potatoes are just truly awful, but those Betty Crocker cheese ones really are better than the real thing. You just can’t beat unnaturally yellow-orangey foods, I guess, heh. I can’t do brownie mix, though. I have to make them from scratch, or else they taste “chemically” to me. Which brownie mix do you use?

    Salamander, not sure, but I am going to make the saltine toffee since I found that recipe again. I bought this Pinot Noir wine vinegar a while back that I’ve been experimenting with, and lately the produce shelves have been stocked with these delicious Ambrosia apples, so I think I might make some sort of apple crisp style dessert with them. And bread pudding, which is one of my favorites, but using amaretto in place of vanilla. Was thinking I’d make these peanut butter coconut balls that I made a few Xmases back, but I haven’t found the recipe book it was in yet. I’m scared it may have been misplaced during the move, since we’re missing whole stacks of books still.

    What’s an Indian Pudding? Is that Indian like the country of India or like Native American? (Sorry, I’m afraid my knowledge of Indian food is limited, and I only know how to make Lakota-style fry bread!)

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    The Scented Salamander

    Said this on December 15th, 2006 at 5:32pm:


    This Indian Pudding I’m referring to comes from England and is a New England specialty. It’s also called a Hasty Pudding, except it needs 2 hours to cook in this case. I recently saw a recipe somewhere that’s a popular family recipe but can’t find it right now. Here’s another one that I’d like to try:

    It’s actually supposed to be served as an appetizer according to the tradition.

    You can learn more about Hasty Puddings here:

    This saltine recipe is also great to make w/ kids I’d guess. Plus my kid loves Saltines! Oh the possibilities!

    We’ve decided to have fresh oysters as appetizers. In France, you usually have that and/or foie gras, smoked salmon, and caviar as traditional holiday appetizers.

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    Said this on December 16th, 2006 at 2:15am:

    uh - katie - i don’t see sugar on the ingredients list. am i
    hallucinating? i want to send this to a friend. but it needs

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    Said this on December 16th, 2006 at 10:33am:

    House of stone - D”OH!!! Adding that in half a second! I totally forgot!

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    Mary Alice

    Said this on January 18th, 2007 at 7:33pm:

    There is no shame in using so-called “fake food”. this recipe turned out great. What about the ritz cracker mock apple pie recipe? Where did Whip n’ Chill go?
    I reread my magazine from the ’60’s and early ’70’s. So much fun and most of the products no more.
    Does she or doesn’t she? Next time you serve clam chower, toss in a can of minced clams, juice and all. The compliments will overwhelm you! Or potato chip in tuna noodle casserole which I served to friends who HAD never had it. This is the perfect time for comfort food.
    Besides, we all know those preservatives in “fake food” (which actually came out of the space program endeavors, believe it or not) will keep us young!

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    Said this on January 19th, 2007 at 6:36pm:

    I’m so glad it turned out for you and that you liked it! I haven’t had the Ritz mock apple pie in… god, so long that I forget what it tastes like! I have a few cookbooks from the 70s especially that are a total riot: yesterday I found a recipe for “red hot gelatin.” It was cherry Jello moulded with applesauce and Red Hot candies. It sounds like it could either be crazy delicious, or… well, just crazy. Heh. I can’t believe there is ANYONE who hasn’t had tuna casserole with potato chips on top: you’ve just blown my mind. I thought that was a set part of almost everybody’s childhood? I thought that was a ubiquitous dish. Wow. I am super glad to have left ol’ green bean casserole (with tater tots, natch) behind, however. Dunno why but that was one dish that always used to gross my brother and I out when we were little.

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