Pout ~ Pout Bustier Bust Enhancing Cream
“If you want your man to drown in your lust, you must, you must, increase your bust.” So says the song I sang along with all the other girls, while listening to Lords of Acid play way too loudly when I was a teenager.
The human body is a moveable feast, but one that is meant to be celebrated for any occasion, and as often as possible. The beauty industry capitalizes all too well on this notion by attempting to manipulate folks into thinking there’s a correct size for the feast.
Having no better excuse than a sample on hand, I tried out Pout Bustier, a “bust enhancing cream.” I was thinking I’d show before and after pictures of myself, until I realized that would bring in some traffic I just don’t want. Plus, there’s the creepy email factor. And I’m sick of creepy emails. (Hey creeps, I really look like Bthulhu* in real life. It’s true!) Instead, let’s go with a photo commentary, if that’s all right with you?
Some ladies have these firm little fruits:
Others possess equally juicy but plumper gifts:
Still others, like myself, are cursed with these:
In the produce market of life, we find a variety of selections, and there is room for everything.
But the job of the beauty industry is to convince us all that attraction is a sport. They connive to fool every woman into thinking she looks like this,
and brainwash us all into thinking that only with these can a woman hope to be attractive:
Good grief. None of us needs that sort of grief. This sort of thinking is not anywhere near the neighborhood of realistic. Sure, it circles the block a few times, but it never arrives at the actual location.
When a guy is truly attracted to you, I have it on good authority from those in the know (focus group of one: my husband) that no matter the size of your endowment, all he’s gonna see are these:
Okay, so I will concede one thing: there are some men who are not terribly interested in your cookies, and are only out to try to ring your Taco Bell. Those sorts of men can be fun enough when you’re young and stupidish. Of course as you get a little older and stupidish, you eventually realize those are also the men who are the least good at… uh, ringing.
So what does Pout Bustier do, really? Well, it’s got a nice dose of glycerin to moisturize the skin. The texture is thick but easy to spread out. It smells lovely though not terribly compelling, a sort of tart rosy scent with ylang ylang and geranium. It would layer well with a number of perfumes. And it has shimmer, wee little micro-specks of mica that are subtle but not ignorable. The shimmer sticks well, and mostly remains on the skin to which it was first applied. (It has been tested. Let us leave it at that.) In effect, it adds a little extra sumthin’-sumthin’ to catch the eye, so that the right guys will see this:
On a seperate note, I finally got around to also joining the Coutorture community. Please stop by there and visit all the great sites affiliated with them!
*An explaination of whence comes Bthulhu.
The cookies…oh, that’s hilarious. But you should have photoshopped some eyeballs onto those suckers, in homage to the old SNL skit about women who had developed eyes in their breasts. ;-) Creepy, yet funny.
greeneyes
28 Jun 06 at 5:35 am
LOL!!! Thank you for a good laugh! Maybe I should get me some of that cream (1st category here).
Ina
28 Jun 06 at 6:22 am
Very funny, Katie! Creams are second only to the Clarins breast pump for making me shake my head in puzzlement. So true, your statement about those who ring the taco bell least artfully, heheheehehh!
Cait
28 Jun 06 at 6:50 am
ROFL — great post, K.
Robin
28 Jun 06 at 12:11 pm
greeneyes - I remember that skit! But, uh, cookies that stare sound too frightening for words, hehe.
Ina, thanks. And grapes are good, too, so no worries ;)
Cait - a breast pump by Clarins??? I’m assuming you don’t mean like a breastfeeding pump, do you? That is, wow, utterly repellant. Why!? And also, OW!
Thanks again, Robin :)
Scentzilla!
28 Jun 06 at 2:15 pm
Thank you for a fine essay… you summed it all up nicely. I didn’t even care how well the product works… I was having so much fun reading your analysis of our preoccupations and worries over our bustlines. And your illustrations were perfect… especially the cookies with sprinkles.
minette
28 Jun 06 at 4:55 pm
Katie, I laughed so hard! I’m dating myself here, but remember those magazine ads for the Mark Eden Bust Developer, which appeared to be some sort of boob vacuum? Notice now that practically every “breast enhancement product” is a pill or cream? (if you don’t go straight to surgery, that is…) Wonder what that says about the american psyche?
sybil
28 Jun 06 at 5:35 pm
not that I would be an expert in these things… but how refreshing! I hope for you the load of creepy mails was limited. Why is it that I rarely get creepy mails? I only get chem-boost-pharma- things. and watches. but far from creepy…I miss something, obviously. ;-)
Andy
29 Jun 06 at 12:20 am
Oh my, I laughed so hard!
Liking big-breasted creatures I see as a pop American trait.
Well Gwyneth and Kiera have cookies and they are still gorgeous!
Mimi Froufrou
29 Jun 06 at 12:35 pm
Minette, thanks :) I wasn’t too sure if I would be able to take a picture of the cookies with sprinkles or not, because at that point my kids lost all patience with me and wondered why we were taking photos of them instead of eating them. Heh. Cookies with bites taken out of them would have been horrifically violent looking!
sybil, no, sorry, I don’t rember those. Boob vacuum? Eeeeep. And to think even just a push-up bra can hurt after a while sometimes. That’s just freaky sounding, like something out that movie Brazil. “Notice now that practically every ‘breast enhancement product’ is a pill or cream? [...] Wonder what that says about the american psyche?” That we don’t like things to suck? (Oh that was awful, sorry ’bout that ;P)
Andy, you miss nothing, trust me. Though I also keep getting hit with these spam offers to enlarge a body part (one I don’t have) and for watches, too. A lot.
Mimi, when the chemistry is right, and you’ve got the right guy, we ALL have cookies. The big-breasted thing I’m sure has a ton to do with our pop culture here in the States, but it’s a fairly widespread marketing scheme for all the big international companies. Fie on all those marketers, wherever in the world they may work!
Scentzilla!
29 Jun 06 at 1:46 pm
Yes, I did not miss your point! But visually the cookies rather than the grapes make me think of flat-chested gals. Once my DH has finished his meal I will make him read your opus, LOL!
Mimi Froufrou
29 Jun 06 at 3:24 pm
Hee hee hee, an opus… My “hooray for boobies” opus. *Shakes head at the folly of it all* And with your mention of Keira Knightly, I only just now remembered one of the most absurd and ridiculously funny websites I stumbled upon the other day: click here.
Scentzilla!
29 Jun 06 at 3:29 pm
this seriously made my day.
hehe…. the cookies!!
very inspiring with the sprinkles.
Kainga
3 Jul 06 at 9:11 pm
Howdy Kainga! Glad to have given you a chuckle for the day. Thanks, and thanks for popping in :)
Scentzilla!
6 Jul 06 at 2:35 pm
if this really works, then why do people get plactic boobss
btw, my email isnt working
please tell me here.
shannon
3 Jan 08 at 3:43 pm